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Complain to no one,
Cry to no one.

That is what I aim to do.
And I aim to please


.:E N S A M M A:.

I've been W A T C H I N G,
I've been W A I T I N G,

I'm quite used to staying inside and hanging out with my Online Friends -- mostly because my parents never used to let me go anywhere really until I started to grow older. As a child, I began to envy several different kids that got to go out with their older siblings or whatever -- or even sleep over at a friend's, because I wasn't one to go out there and do that. I wasn't one to ask because I was afraid they'd always say no. I also never really wanted to go to Slumber Parties as a child in the first place -- mostly because two kids picked on me for my weight and I became really sad at this feeling of nothing but insults and a possibility of never being liked by people around me.
Now, I'm older; There are times where I'll want to walk outside and go to the store with my mother in the car. I'll want to go to several different barbecues despite all the alcohol I dare not touch unless passing it onto one of my family members, or I'll want to go to my Besties' houses to have fun with them while my parents are busy with whatever else they're doing. However, I never get to go due to money issues or not being invited anywhere or whatever, so... I kinda don't bother.
But that's when I start neglecting myself.
It's quite obvious by this time that I would start to feel a little lonesome -- talking with people or not. However, I just hate showing it in front of others. I want to be able to have Online Friends visit me, or at least see one of them up close. I feel like I'll never be able to do that; That all that'll happen will just be me stuck in my little house with nothing but immense Cabin Fever and me bouncing off the walls. It's so stupid sometimes because I love staying indoors, but I also want to go outdoors and see people. 
I think what's even worse is that I actually cry myself to sleep over trivial shit like this.
It hurts too much sometimes, but I never mention it because it just automatically sounds like I'm whining. Like, people say it won't, but I'm pretty goddamn sure it sounds more like petty whining than anything else.
Like this whole damn post is whining.

In the S H A D O W S...

For My T I M E...


Your immaturity holds no boundaries,
I see nothing but karma being tossed at you soon. . .


Dear Diary,

oday, I cried.
But it wasn't out of anger.
And it wasn't out of me breaking apart.
It was out of love, and fear that is slowly disappearing.
It was out of me gaining more friends.

And trust.

..and I feared I was never going to get that again.

I Think Back to those Years Ago..

And remember what you've told me so,
You always smiled like you would always know,
But don't you know how much bullshit it is, though?
You don't know them to the point I know them,
While your life is fine and dandy, my life is filled with phlegm,
Or maybe your life isn't fine and dandy?
Maybe the lightness fills a dark void
Well news flash missy: it doesn't. It's wrong.
So quit making assumptions as if you know me at all.
I don't like him. I don't want to deal with him.
I don't trust him, at all.
You say: "At least you have one,"
and I say: "Yeah; One that makes be bawl."
Because that answer can be so useless to others,
It's sad to think I cried in our fall.
I'm not saying my situation is worse others,
I just think you're taking it for granted;
As if it's small.
So instead of assuming it's all good, when it's bad,
Put yourself in my shoes, put yourself in others -- just for a tad,
And comprehend and understand why I've grown stronger fall after fall.
Because guess what Black Bird,
It's time for you to stand tall.

The Sun Goes Down. . .

The Stars Come Out
And All That Counts
Is Here and Now.

My Universe
Will Never Be The Same
I'm Glad You Came.
I'm Glad You Came. . .

A Journey

Jessica, Shannon
Michael, Glacier.
Raven, Amy.

Thank you for helping me -- even if I do seem a little annoying and childish.
Please do keep in touch; I want to constantly talk with all of you guys.

Inferiority meets Hero

I'm pretty damn sure I'm in the midst of two complexes.

But these two complexes make me feel like they're all just formed into one. Though, I guess I'm okay with that in a sense.

The Complexes in which I deal with are both the Hero and the Inferiority (if you have not caught it by the title). To be short and sweet about it, inferiority derives from an incident that had come across me in the month of December, and since then, I haven't been myself recently. I worry a lot about what people think of me -- constantly wanting to cry a little bit on the inside whenever I come near people, and the Inferiority complex has somehow struck me with this.. well. This phobia. This phobia I never had. This phobia I never wanted.

Though, I've been getting out of it, I suppose... I'm not as afraid of people as I was before -- in which I would constantly restrain Panic Attacks because I would think they're out to mentally terrorize me into nothing but hurting myself or something extreme like that.

But right now... Right now, my friend is in this slump. She's a really dear friend of mine. Always helping me. Always making sure I'm okay; Snapping me out of an incoming breakdown.. Yeah. She's done it all.

And right now she needs help. I risk my feelings every time; This'll be my third.

Three is the magic number.


My feelings were fucked with. . . 
    And now, everything I do, I feel like I'm just hiding behind a facade when I'm aware that I'm not. . .    
I hate how my feelings were fucked with in such a short time. . . 


It Was So Easy. . .

"It's like forgetting the words-- 
To your favorite song;
You can't believe it... 
You were always singing along.
It was so easy... 
And the words. 
You can't remember... 
You try to feel the beat.
E e e t. . . 
E e e t. . .